True Confessions
of a Laowai (A.K.A. Foreigner in China)
The following are humorous
situations that actually occurred while I was living or traveling around
China.
1.
My most embarrassing moment: While trying to
introduce my 60 freshmen students to various American actors and actresses, I
mistakenly turned to the sex scene of a Tom Cruise movie.
2.
Someone told me that teaching English in China
makes you important but not important at the same time. What that means is that you think you are
there to improve people’s English but the school wants to save face by using
your employment as an advertisement to attract more students. The same goes for attending parties, getting
asked to teach English in your spare time and various other situations where
you find yourself the only foreigner in a room full of Chinese.
3.
Conversed (in Mandarin) with Chinese who never
once looked at me but instead at my companions who were not a part of the
conversation.
4.
Invited friends over for “porridge” instead of
“Western food” (spaghetti).
5.
Conversation with a student who never attended
class: “Hi, how are you?” Reply: “How are you?” He may have been the university
basketball star but he didn’t pass my class.
6.
Endured Chinglish (English with Chinese grammar)
like this: “I want to play with my boyfriend this weekend” from my students.
7.
Joined an Australian wife eating bugs and watched
her husband’s priceless reaction.
8.
Made shocking statements in class like “Tom and
Jerry are not Disney” and “There are a lot of poor people in America too”.
9.
Watched people’s reactions as they tried to push
their way into a crowded elevator. My baby’s stroller was taking up the extra
space they thought we had. Some people
are insistent.
10.
Walked into restaurants and pointed at other
people’s dishes to order our dinner.
11.
Played badminton with students and a broken racket
flew over the wall leaving a student holding the handle.
12.
First time I heard the song ‘Yesterday Once
More’ I honestly answered that I didn’t know the song. By the time I left China I had memorized
every word.
13.
Saw a self-proclaimed 24/7 convenience store in
our complex that closed at midnight and was still not open at 7 a.m.
14.
Ate what I thought was a grape that turned out
to be a Sichuan pepper. Found out why they should never be eaten.
15.
Scared a man, not my fiancé, and myself by
climbing up the ladder to my bed on an overnight bus after a bathroom stop in
the middle of the night. Turns out I had
entered the wrong bus.
16.
Even after five years in China I had to repeatedly
answer the question about how I knew Mandarin so well (I took two years in
college) and how I could use chopsticks so well (I grew up in Hawaii with many
Asian restaurants).
17.
Birthday parties in restaurants sometimes ended
in gigantic messes with frosting everywhere (including our faces and hair) and
no one actually eating the cake.
18.
In the land of the one child family policy
(China) we answered the question “How many children do you want?” with “Twelve”
at our Chinese wedding banquet as a joke.
19.
At tourist spots a fellow traveler would tell
Chinese tourists that the handsome young man we were with was a movie star.
20.
On a flight between two cities read an in-flight
magazine customer satisfaction survey.
It asked for your e-male.
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